Dear Porter

For my son:

Dear Mr. P,

I'll be honest. Sometimes you and I have bad days. Sometimes we have bad weeks. You are just a tiny little 18-month old with so many emotions that you can't yet explain or express. Sometimes the only way you know how, is to throw yourself on the ground in protest. And hey, I don't blame you. Sometimes I feel like doing that myself... 

And sometimes mommy is tired. Sometimes I don't want to deal with the fits. Sometimes, like I said, I want to be the one that throws them....So sometimes we have bad days. 

But tonight, my sweet boy. Tonight, was a good night. You went to bed like you usually do. You laid down without a fuss. You slept soundly for a couple hours. Then, at 10:30, you started crying. It was a sad cry. The kind that mommies can't just ignore. 

So I decided to make an exception tonight. I'd let you come sit in bed with me for a while. But you had something else in mind. I brought you in bed, and you kept your eyes closed. You didn't want to wake up and play. No. You wanted me. Just me. You wanted to cuddle. To hold my hand. To run your chubby little fingers up and down my arm. 

So daddy turned off the light, and brought us a blanket. 

And you and I stayed there. 

You stretched out your dimply little hand in the dark, and searched for my face to caress my cheek. I played with your hair. Time stopped. I swear. (Although, the clock would remind me otherwise later.) My heart ached. I knew this wasn't going to last. I knew you would change your mind soon. You would want to play, not cuddle with silly old mommy. So I soaked, and soaked it in. As much as I could. As much as I know how. 

These are the moments I live for. The moments I treasure. 

No. You are not a terror every other day of the week. I actually really enjoy our time together. 

But in these moments...I swear, I know what life is all about. I could tell you the meaning and purpose. I could connect all the dots. 

These are the moments too good for words. These are the moments you wish you could truly explain to someone that says, "I never want kids". These moments just can't be explained. They are only something you feel. Some kind of aligning of the planets or something. Oh, how I wish I could help you understand. 

Maybe, one day, when you're a daddy...you might know what I mean. 

Until then, I guess I know how you feel about not being able to express your emotions. 

Sleep tight little one.

Love, 

Mom